Secret Santa Witches and Wizards vs Jedi and Sith
by Gartius G9
Summary: this was a secret santa entry i did for a friend, basically title says it all.


Lewis' Secret Santa

"I'd like a little kind of duel fic with wizards and witches (good and evil) vs Jedi and Sith"

Set-during clone wars, fifth year of hogwarts

"Red Alert!" The sound of sirens blazed across the Galactic Republic Star Destroyer. The commander shouted orders across the bridge to his loyal clones. "Ensign, call the general. Lieutenant, find out how he escaped. And someone get me a hot chocolate!"

"Anakin, why are you shouting?" The general emerged from his cabin, dressed in only a towel. "And can someone turn off the siren?" he winced, "I have a hangover."

"I'm a chocoholic, I can't help myself!" Anakin Skywalker almost pulled the arm off of the clone who hurried over with his hot beverage. "Obi-Wan, why are you in a towel?" He asked after he calmed down, drinking the hot drink until it burned his tongue.

General Obi-Wan Kenobi looked sheepish, "I wanted a bath." He turned serious. "What's this all about?"

"He's gone." Obi-Wan's face turned white.

"Gone? Are you sure?"

"They found his quarters empty, and his ship's missing."

"What do we do?"

"We have to tell the council, they'll know what to do."

It was a normal day for Peter Petigrew. Scurrying around with his girlfriend, he called her Tracey. He liked his sliver paw; it meant he could scratch anything to protect her. Then he saw it. Up in the sky, taller than even he was in man form, was a muggle airplane, and it looked as if it was about to crash in the same field Peter was in. He squeaked at Tracey to hurry up. He didn't want to be anywhere near the place when it hit.

A huge explosion rocked the ground as the ship collided with the ground. But Peter wasn't paying any attention as he transformed back to man. He then looked around, the field was total wreckage. He thought of running away before any muggles came, but then he dimly recalled he was outside Lord Voldemort's Super Secret Headquarters (known as LVSSH for short,) no muggle could see it.

He quickly decided after half an hour to investigate the wreckage. Scooping up Tracey into his pocket he gingerly began to explore the wreckage. He found a pod exactly in the middle of the field and he cautiously opened it up.

Inside was the ugliest green three fingered baby Peter had ever seen. Come to think of it, it was the only ugly green baby three fingered baby he had seen. Quickly he scooped it up. It slowly opened it's eyes and to Peter's horror it spoke.

"Hmm, what for tea, is?"

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was having a party. Delores Umbridge, the recently appointed Headmistress had been driven insane by the amount of pranks that had been pulled on her after seizing power from Dumbledore. To recuperate Madam Pomfrey had ordered one week of R&R (rhinos & reindeer massages, with any luck it should be enough to keep the old toad insane, if not dead.) In the meanwhile, Dumbledore had returned and had declared the week a holiday.

"This is all very well," Hermione Granger said after the eight course, "But this is causing more work for the house elves."

"Mmfgh" Ron Weasley said with his mouth full.

"I think he's saying stop going on about house elves Hermione!" Harry Potter, said after flicking his hair to attract girls, but then he remembered he was to be hated this year and he pouted.

"Mfgmgf" Ron nodded.

"Now he's saying he loves you, Hermione, and wants to marr- oh, sorry, I mispronounced the 'gm'." Harry stopped seeing the excited face on Hermione turn to disappointment. "He says he loves the food and wants to have his own house elf."

"For goodness sake Ron!" Hermione slapped him and walked out.

Ron's face turned all gloomy, he had said he loved her, but he couldn't speak properly. The food was too good. He quickly shoved another mouthful in his already full mouth, to everyone's, who was sitting near him, horror.

"Wow. This feast is amazing." Harry exclaimed, not noticing his best friend's exchange. "I just hope nothing happens to spoil it."

The entire great hall fell silent for a second. A few checked their watches, several coughed. After a minute of this, Harry then impatiently. "I said, I just hope nothing happens to spoil it."

A huge explosion sounded and suddenly an army of Death Eaters appeared from nowhere. Several students fainted on cue, Parvarti Patil and Lavender Brown screamed loudly, causing several glass windows to break.

"Stop! Stop! Stop!" Hermione came running back, waving her hands into the air. "You can't apparate here. You know that. And what about keeping a low profile?"

"Simple Miss …" Voldemort turned his back on her, consulting his book entitled HOW TO HAVE A CLIMATE BATTLE WITH YOUR ARCHRIVAL, then turned to face her. "…Granger. We don't have time for a normal run of Potter defeating me, yet again." He rolled his eyes. "We have bigger news."

"What kind of news is that Tom?" Professor Dumbledore stood up.

Voldemort smiled and looked at Dumbledore. "Yes Dumbledore, I have information that will force us to work together." Several students, teachers and Death Eaters gasped in horror. "Yes, yes." Voldemort brushed aside the annoyances. "Bring forth the prisoner." He shouted.

From the huddle of Death Eaters Peter Petigrew emerged, dragging someone, short green, and hideously ugly.

"Hello." The thing waved and the students that had just recovered from fainting fell back to the floor again.

"Well?" Voldemort demanded. "What is it?"

"It appears to be a green three fingered old house elf." Dumbledore said, peering over his glasses at it.

"Wormtail found it outside my Super Secret Headquarters…" Voldemort began.

"What, the one outside Margate?" Harry asked.

Voldemort looked horrified. "Ye- I mean no. I mean how did yo- never mind. The point is he came out of the sky in a muggle contraption. We need your help."

"Why?" Asked Harry.

"For starters, Wormtail's now confused again about where babies come from. He thinks that they come from outer space and he's convinced that _this_," he pointed to the green thing, who waved back at him, bemused. "Is his and his girlfriend's baby."

"Yes, how is Tracey by the way?" Hermione asked.

"That's not the point!" Voldemort shouted. "We need to find out what it is and if there'll be any more."

"Agreed Tom." Dumbledore said, peering over his glasses at everyone. "Well, little one." He spoke to the ugly baby. Who are you?"

The baby spoke, "Yoda I am. Do your laundry can I?"

"This is an outrage!" Ki-Adi-Mundi said. His huge head having to duck down to keep within the holograph. "Why has Yoda gone missing?"

"We don't know." Said Obi-Wan, still dressed in his towel, Anakin Skywalker was holding onto his cup of hot chocolate, shaking with the uncontrolled sugar rush he was feeling.

"This is unacceptable." Came the flat less voice of Mace Windu. "Do you know where he went?"

"Yes, we have tracked him to a small planet; we'll go collect him now." The twelik, Aayla Secula spoke, causing every Jedi to look her way uncontrollably with her sheer beauty.

"I'd rather you didn't." Everyone jumped. From what was usually an empty space came the void of an old man.

"Count Dooku!" Mace's flat less voice looked at him with no emotion. "What do you want?"

"I came to tell you about that wild planet that you're planning to rescue Yoda from." Dooku spoke with an aristocratic air. "It's primitive, backwater, and basically useless. Except for one thing- it's Yoda's home planet."

Everyone gasped. "Good lord!" Plo Koon wheezed through his gas mask, which for some reason caused him to sound very menacing where in reality he was a nice guy. "Why did Yoda go back there?"

"Simple, his race is naturally servitude, Yoda is an oddball, but now he wishes to fulfil his role as a servant on his home planet."

"So why shouldn't we go get him?" Asked Obi-wan.

"Simple really. It's because… are you wearing a towel?" Dooku asked.

Obi-Wan looked embarrassed, "I wanted a bath."

Dooku looked confused for a second, and then shrugged it away. "He will be mistaken as a house elf and be made to do chores. They won't want to give him up. They'll expect more to come! That is why I propose we work together."

"Sure."

"Ok."

"Works for me."

Dooku smiled, it was all going to plan…

"And after you've done the washing you can iron it." Harry said lazily.

"Sir, yes." Puffed Yoda, he was moving at supersonic speed completing all chores with the castle.

"Mfghm." Ron said, with his mouth full of chocolate cake.

"Ron says you shouldn't be doing, this you know." Hermione said, ignoring Ron waving his arms, shaking his head and holding up a pair of dirty boxers. He says you should be more considerate of Yoda."

"He wants to do it, Ron," Harry sat up off his bed. "Why should we deprive him?" Yoda had started sweeping the floor with a broom. "Look how much fun he's having." Yoda lifted up Harry's bed, with him still on it, and swept all the dust underneath it.

"It's just that he does a bad job." Ron spoke, his mouth empty for a change; he searched for something to eat.

"What was that?" Hermione asked astounded that Ron had talked coherently.

"Mghf." Yoda had stuffed Ron with a chocolate cake.

"Look up in the sky!" Neville spoke, just coming in the door after detention caused by the seventieth cauldron destroyed in this story.

Everyone rushed to the window. "It's a bird." Hermione cried.

"It's a plane." Harry shouted.

"Mfhgh!" cried Ron.

"No. Inter-dimensional portal is not!" Yoda said. "Jedi it is!"

The Star Destroyer _Make Cake not War _slowly descended to Earth. "Now remember," Obi-Wan said still dressed in his towel. "We do not want to fight them. Let's try negotiating with them."

"Yes, but last time you negotiated a hostage situation you gave the kidnappers a really fast star ship, flew it to them, let them take the hostage with them and paid off their ransom. Twice!" Dooku yelled.

"Yes, but I caught you didn't I?" Obi-Wan grabbed his hand. "Caught you!"

"Come," Mace Windu spoke. "Let us go meet our Grand Master's captors."

"Action stations!" Voldemort shouted. This caused everyone in the school to run about uncontrollably. Some of them ran into each other and Hagrid wasn't helping. He was doing the best impression of Corporal Jones from Dad's army in the world. With cries of "Don't panic! Don't panic!" he instilled the maximum amount of panic possible.

"Silence." Dumbledore's voice boomed out uncontrollably. Everyone stopped moving. "We will meet out visitors sensibly, and calmly." He added after seeing Draco Malfoy trying his best to hit everyone else. He peered over the rims of his glasses at him.

The six Jedi and one Sith left the starship. While the entire school and assembled Death Eater army approached.

"Hello?" Obi-Wan's voice carried over the wind. This started a lot of talking from all of the wizards and witches, their whispers carried all the way back to him.

"Look at him; he's only wearing a towel."

"Why's he only wearing a towel?"

"I wanted a bath!" Obi-Wan shouted back, but this did not stop the whispering.

"Look at the big head next to him," Ki-Adi-Mundi shuffled nervously, barely able to hold his big head up above his shoulders.

"What about the girl next to _him_? She's as hot as a Veela." Aayla Secula blushed a darker blue.

"The guy in the mask… boy is he ugly." Plo Koon, sensitive soul that he was, started to cry.

"Oh Yeah?" Anakin shot back, still hyper from the sugar. "At least we don' look like a snake!"

Voldemort roared. "How dare you, you stupid fools! That's it! Death Eaters, attack!"

"Uh-oh." Dooku groaned. Things were not going his way…

An all out war had broken out between the Jedi and the Death eaters while the rest of the school watched in horror. It was six against fifty, and the Death Eaters were vastly outnumbered. With their lightsabers blazing the Jedi were an unstoppable force and the Death Eaters slowly gave ground.

Harry nudged Ron. And Ron offered him some popcorn he had found. "Thanks. So why do you reckon they're here?"

"Mghfjd." Ron shrugged.

Dooku appeared from no where. "I think they want Yoda back."

"Oh." Hermione said. "Well let's go get him." She looked around searching for Dumbledore to tell him they were going. But he had disappeared…

The Death Eaters were exhausted. Even Voldemort was defeated by the Jedi. Professor McGonallgall looked for Dumbledore, but he wasn't around. It was time to be decisive, should they attack or not?

An hour later McGonallgall had made her decision. "Come my students, let us hel… oh." Most of the students had already started to help the Death Eaters. But were still being beaten back.

Harry Ron and Hermione dashed around the corridors of Hogwarts, trying heir best to find either Yoda or Dumbledore, finally, they came to the great hall…

"Quickly, retreat." Shouted Hagrid, after he was hurled by the Anakin on a sugar rush yelling he wanted a hot chocolate, into a brick wall.

"To the great hall!" Snape shouted…

"Haha!" Ki-Adi-Mundi laughed, their retreating. "Serves them right for calling me a big head."

"But you are a big head, Ki." Obi-Wan pointed out.

Ki-Adi-Mundi looked confused. "Yes, but, it's the principle. Only you guys can call me that."

"Come on." Anakin said, rushing past at super speed. "I heard they were going to the great hall, maybe they have hot chocolate."

"Yes." Mace Windu spoke, after an hour of silence. "Let us all go have hot chocolate."

Everyone barged into the great hall at the same time. Harry, Ron and Hermione from the side entrance, the wizards and witches from the east entrance and the Jedi from the main door. It looked as if they would begin fighting again. but then…

"Please can you be quiet? We're having a serious game here."

At the staff table, Dumbledore and Yoda were sat opposite one another, a chess board in the middle. Dumbledore nudged Yoda. "Your move." He said.

"Hmm. Difficult it is to see." Said Yoda. "Eyebrows get in the way." Dumbledore conjured a pair of scissors and trimmed them for Yoda. "You-thanks. C-three to Horsey." The knight moved and took Dumbleedore's Queen.

The Jedi all applauded. The witches and wizards booed. Dumbledore frowned, peering over his glasses at the chess board. "An excellent move. Yet I … no, but… it's worth a try."

Yoda shook his head. "Do or do not. There is no try."

"Alright. Bishop to F-four. Checkmate."

Everyone waved as the Starship departed. Yoda promising to play Dumbledore again after the next fifty years. But before they left, they slipped everyone a memory pill to forget the entire week…

Harry groaned. He swore he could have tasted purple a second ago. He checked the clock by his bed; he had slept for an entire week…

Voldemort didn't know why, but he was very angry. And he wanted to punish someone. He also had a faint idea that he needed to change his Super Secret Headquarters, but he disdained it. It was Super Secret after all. Wormtail walked in loudly, Voldemort's head pounded and he glared at him.

Somehow Peter didn't think it would be his day…

"Good to see you back home, Yoda." Obi-Wan spoke. The Grand Jedi Master of the order smiled at him. "Are you still feeling House elfy?"

"Bit little." Yoda spoke back.

"Thanks. Run me a bath will you?" Obi-Wan asked. Anakin smiled while drinking his hot chocolate. Everything was right with the world.

"You failed me my apprentice." Darth Sidious spoke to Dooku. "You were supposed to steal the philosopher's stone while everyone was fighting."

"Apparently my Master it no longer exists." Dooku said. "We came four books too late.


End file.
